I didn’t go to art school


By Alice Austin

I didn’t go to art school but a friend of mine did. He told me all kinds of stories about the people who went there. Everyone was constantly trying to out-do each other with their artistic concepts. It was extremely hedonistic, with wild parties that lasted for days. Everyone was having sex with everyone. Pupils with pupils, tutors with pupils, tutors with pupils and pupils. It sounded wild. Each year the projects became more and more radical. Each arty teenager trying to out-art the other. My friend told me a lot of stories from his time in art school but this one is my absolute favorite.

“We had weekly seminars where we would discuss our projects and work. Super informal, we would just chat the whole time, loosely about what we were working on. It was the end of my second year and we were in one of our final seminars discussing our projects. A girl who I didn’t know that well who was usually in our class was missing. Half way through the seminar she walked into the room with an empty jam jar. The tutor said hi to her but she ignored him. She walked straight into the middle of the seminar room and put the jam jar on the floor with the lid off. Then she pulled her trousers down and squatted over the jam jar. We were all just sitting there. She squatted over the jam jar and proceeded to do this tiny, perfectly formed shit. It just plopped straight into the jam jar. Plop!

She then put the lid on, screwed it shut and pulled her trousers up. She got a can of gold spray paint from out of her trouser pocket and proceeded to spray the jam jar with the tiny shit in it gold. She sprayed it so thoroughly that the jar was completely golden and you couldn’t see the turd any more.

She put the gold jam jar with the tiny shit in it on the floor of the seminar room and she walked out.

We just sat there looking at each other and then carried on the seminar, with this gold jam jar full of turd just sitting in the middle of the room.”

I think about this story all the time. I wonder to myself why the hell she did it and then I just think b/c… WHY NOT?

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One thought on “I didn’t go to art school

  1. I feel so lucky to have Alice as my first gust blogger!! I love her witty stories with her fluid writing style that keeps you giggling! And best of all, it’s all with No Filter!

    Check out her blog! nofilterzine.com

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